I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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