Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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