evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
