I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
