If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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