somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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