Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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