My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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