Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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