And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
