just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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