If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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