There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
This baby is an asshole
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
