You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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