oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
