You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
