just tell him i said nine months
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
