I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
