I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
