he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Found your dick twin last night
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
