you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
