My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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