i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
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I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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