he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
