Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
