I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
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Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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