There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
