I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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