I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
