totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
