Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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