In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
