I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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