White coat. Heels.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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