someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
