he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
