Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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