Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
