Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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