one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
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