I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
