I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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