How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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