Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I can't put those talents on a resume
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
