Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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