why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
