mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
