but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
