i need an iv and a liver transplant
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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