I think i sorta joined a cult last night
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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