I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
