yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
