Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
