His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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