I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
