Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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