her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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