Just fell off a train. Bad.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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