I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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