I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
