Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
