One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
