i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Please don't give away my fajitas
There are leaves in my underwear?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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