I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
