i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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