She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
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How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
All I want is dick and wine.
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Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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