I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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